Sometimes I still feel it. That overwhelming feeling that comes with being a mom, a wife, a woman all rolled into one.

Have you ever had that moment when you just want to don a cape and be a superhero so that you can do all the things you need and want to do? I have. Several times.

But real life doesn’t work that way and you often have to rely on your own strength to pull things through. Sometimes you’ll get it right, sometimes you’ll get it wrong. But you don’t get defeated. You can never be defeated.

Heroes fall sometimes but they always, always stand up and win.

SUPERWOMAN

Everywhere I’m turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I’m searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I’m a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

When I’m breaking down
And I can’t be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oh

I love this song by Alicia Keys. I’ve discovered it just recently and I always get goosebumps when I listen to this song. The lines I’ve highlighted, I feel like I could’ve written them myself.

I especially love the last part when the videos showed actress Jada Pinkett Smith, student Nassanga Galabuzi, astronaut Joan Higginbotham and single mother Wynter Williams. They’re different women leading different lives but they’re all superwomen. And somehow that makes me feel I could be one too.

I guess I don’t need to wear a cape after all. I just need to find that strength within myself.

I’m Jayme: a mother, wife, writer and blogger. I’m a superwoman.

You are too.

What makes you feel like a superwoman?

Last night, Kalia was extremely out of sorts. I could sense she was sleepy but she refused to lie down and kept whining about something I couldn’t quite understand.

She wanted to get her ball from the playroom and she kept saying “Mowning sunshine…mowning sunshine…” But I kept telling her that we could play her ball tomorrow because it was still night and it was already sleeping time. It was almost 12 midnight.

I asked her to lie down but she started to whine about a host of other things: her legs were itchy, her pillow wasn’t soft enough, the bed was too crowded (we were on a Queen – size bed), her milk didn’t taste right.

I was feeling very sleepy but I summoned all my might to focus on patience. Her sleeping has been disturbed for the past days and I have lost my temper a few times because of my own sleepiness. But this time, I reigned in my impatience and just focused on being gentle and loving knowing that this would calm her sooner or later.

I tried singing her favorite songs and massaging her back but nothing worked. Suddenly, Jamaine chimed in, “Sabi ni Jesus, sleep na raw.”

That’s when I thought of dialing in some divine help. I started to pray aloud and Kalia almost immediately quieted down. “Jesus, please give good sleep for Iya, please help her sleep through the night and wake up happy in the morning. Please give good sleep for Jamaine, good sleep for Mommy, good sleep for Daddy. Please watch over us while we sleep.”

I prayed aloud over and over. A few turns and tosses later, Iya was fast asleep. She stirred just once to ask for milk but she slept quietly through the night until this very moment that I am typing this.

Thank you Jesus.

It dawned on me how I always have this direct line to a Higher Power who is ready to help me no matter how small my need. I just need to remember that He is there and to acknowledge to myself that I don’t have to do everything on my own.

Besides, He always does it better and faster than I could.

Got a problem? Dial G-O-D or J-E-S-U-S. He always answers.

It always amazes me how our seemingly ordinary home becomes a fantasy world through Jamaine’s eyes.

Whenever we play together, she shows me that there is always something new to discover.

Her never-ending wonder and curiosity for all things magically transforms anything she touches.

The blanket becomes her flying carpet to travel around the world.

The stick becomes a magic wand to fulfill Mommy’s wishes or a fishing pole to catch colorful fishes.

The hat becomes her crown and she parades around her beautiful kingdom in her glittering pink gown.

The table becomes a stage where she could dance and sing.

In her eyes, everything can become almost anything.

Sometimes, I think if everyone would approach life with such childlike wonder, then maybe the world would be better and we would be much happier.

9am. The sun was up in all it’s glory. Jamaine and Kalia were wide awake, ready to start the day.

I sluggishly settled both babies in the living room so I could eat a quick breakfast.

I popped Jamaine’s Dora the Explorer DVD in the player and plopped her on the mini sofa. Kalia was content cooing in her crib while looking at Winnie the Pooh.

I headed to the kitchen to fix myself some hot chocolate, my morning cup of comfort.

Before I could even take a sip, Jamaine decided she was going to embark on her own exploration. She walked toward the TV rack, pressed all the buttons in the DVD player, yanked the hdmi cables, and proceeded to pull on the electrical plug.

I darted toward her to cut her mini exploration short when Kalia suddenly let out that unmistakable “pfffttt” sound, signaling her nth poop for the morning.

I was tired, hungry, smelly and sleepy. It seemed that the mom fairies forgot to sprinkle some magic dust on me.

On days like this, I need to remind myself what I love about being a mother.

I love being a mom…

• because motherhood has enabled me to grow and care for a life inside me for 9 months. (And if you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ll agree with me that it’s not that easy.)
• because motherhood has strengthened me to bring a new life into this world, making me a vehicle for an amazing creation.
• when I get wet kisses and mini embraces from Jamaine.
• when Kalia’s hand wraps around my finger.
• when I hear Jamaine say “Mommy.”
• when I am able to lull Kalia to sleep singing “What a wonderful world.”
• when I get to explore ordinary things through Jamaine’s extraordinary eyes.
• when Kalia looks at me, making me feel like I’m the world’s greatest mommy.
• when Jamaine excitedly comes up to me even if we’ve only been away for a few minutes.
• when I glimpse Kalia’s random smile.
• when I hear Jamaine’s hearty laughter.

Oftentimes, I am daunted with the enormous responsibility of raising children. But I choose to see it as a priceless privilege motherhood has given me.

More than that, I love being a mom because it has allowed me to give and experience one of life’s greatest gifts: unconditional love.

Thanks to Mai for reminding me to think about it.

I’m feeling better and stronger everyday. I know my body is doing its best to heal itself. I know I’ll feel good as new when the week ends.

I’ve been reciting this mantra to myself for the past days, just a little something to shift my mood and attention away from pain.

I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of postpartum emotions.

Sometimes, I’d feel so happy, I’m like the perfect portrait of a new mom.

Other times, I’d feel so down, even a milk commercial can easily make me cry.

Still, there are times when I’d feel so blank and empty.

I’ve read that in situations like these, it helps to identify your stress triggers and to attack them with stress relievers.

Aside from crazy post pregnancy hormones, I’ve observed that pain is one of my stress triggers.
It gets pretty frustrating when I can’t move around as much and when the simple act of walking becomes so difficult. More than that, it can get a bit depressing when Jamaine asks to be carried and I have to refuse because my body can’t take it yet.

Sometimes, I also feel a certain sense of captivity. It feels like I’m tied to my babies with breastfeeding every two hours, singing lullabies and changing diapers in between. When I’m not taking care of Kalia, I shift my attention to Jamaine and play with her.

What helps me get through these stress triggers are journaling and blogging, my tried and tested stress relievers.

When I’m feeling really low, I put down all my frustrations on paper after which I just feel so much better. Oftentimes, I find that this works better for me than heaping all my emotions on some poor soul who might drown in my momentary negativity.

Besides, after I’ve gotten rid of my pessimistic thoughts, I gain a clearer perspective of the situation and I realize things are good after all. That’s why whenever I feel the blues threatening to hit, I take out my journals and pens and just write away.

Blogging also gives me that same feeling of release. Being able to hit the “Publish” button makes me feel I’ve accomplished something more than just breastfeeding and changing soiled diapers. Plus, it gives me that natural bloggers high, if you know what I mean.

Reading your comments also make me feel I’m still connected to the outside world somehow. I’m so thankful for all your good wishes because they do help lift my spirit. Having blogging friends, no matter how distant, is one of the web wonders I will always be grateful for.

Since my internet connection is up and running again, I’ll be sure to blog and bloghop more whenever my babies are asleep.

Do you have any tried and tested stress relievers for your stress triggers?

A new week has begun. And with it comes my new home, new baby and new life.

We moved in to our new apartment last Saturday. We’ve managed to clear all our boxes and arrange all our stuff in two days. Though the house is still bare and begging to be decorated, we’re settled in comfortably. It’s slowly beginning to feel more like home every day. I’m eager to decorate the house but, right now, I still don’t have the energy (or the time) for it.

I’ll get down to decorating once I’m fully recovered and out of pain relievers. Flanax is still my bestfriend for the past days but I can feel that we’ll part ways really soon. Though I know it would take longer for me to feel “normal” again, I’m just looking forward to the day when I’ll wake up pain – free.

I have also been bonding a lot with our new baby. Kalia is mostly well-tempered just like Jamaine but sometimes she has mini – “terror” episodes when she’ll suddenly cry in her sleep. She’s also more vocal when she’s hungry or wet so I’m more on guard anticipating her needs and moods.

I’m still learning though how to equally divide time and attention between Jamaine and Kalia.
It’s a good thing that Jamaine received Kalia’s arrival well. She was actually excited when we arrived from the hospital and kept saying “Baby! Baby!” while pointing to Kalia.

But, over the past days, I could see that she’s starting to feel neglected because I don’t carry her or play with her as much as before. I’m breastfeeding Kalia which means we’re practically tied to each other most of the day.

I’ve also observed that Jamaine becomes whiny sometimes which I figure must be due to the decreased attention she’s been getting. I imagine she must be starting to have feelings of jealousy and confusion that might be quite overwhelming for her at this time. So she resorts to tantrums to vent them.

On the other hand, I am dealing with feelings of guilt when I can’t attend to her as much as I used to. When she approaches me and gestures that she wants to be carried or to go out, I’d have to ask her Daddy or her yaya to take her because I’m taking care of Kalia. Plus, my body is still not up to carry her yet.

Hopefully, we’ll both be able to adjust soon.

This week also marks the beginning of my journey to fitness and weight loss. Hopefully, after my post partum check up, my OB will give the go signal for Pilates. I want to trim my tummy significantly by the end of the month and Pilates is one of the exercises that I know I can manage with my limited energy.

Still, I keep reminding myself to set realistic goals for my body. That after a month, I’d still look a little bit pregnant and that’s okay.

I’m in for a challenging week and, I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit depressed sometimes. But I’m trying to take things in stride.

I’m journaling a lot, reading my “happy books” and watching my feel – good movies. I’ve been through this before and I know I can do this again.

Though taking care of my two babies, my husband and myself can be quite daunting, I keep in mind that I’m a strong woman and I can do this! (Once more with feeling! )

Are you facing any challenges this week?

***

My internet connection has yet to be relocated to the new apartment, thus, my absence. Will post more regularly when everything’s fixed by the end of the week.

I miss hopping to your blogs and reading all about your updates. Hope you’re all having a great week.

I woke up with a queasy feeling in my belly. Kalia has been moving around a lot, I feel like she wants to go out now.

I look at the calendar by the TV stand, just two more weeks before my due date.

Two weeks can go by pretty fast, I tried to convince myself. Just wait a little bit more.

Right. The truth is, I’m getting that feeling again: the – can -  I -  give – birth – now kind of feeling.

Actually, everything is almost ready. The Kalia Fund, as Kernan and I like to call it, is complete. Since we both do not have a medicard or a medicare supplement, Kernan has been diligently saving for my delivery expenses since January. He proudly reported to me that he’s already set aside more than our target budget as of last month. So we’re safe in the money area.

As for baby stuff, Kalia will be using pretty much of Jamaine’s baby things. We still have a number of unopened gifts from Jamaine’s generous godparents, most of which she can no longer use so Kalia automatically gets them.

The only thing left on our to-do list is to move in to our new apartment. If all things go as planned, we may be able to move this weekend.

I’m imagining that Kalia is just waiting for the right timing. Maybe she wants to have her birthday on the first of June or she’s still waiting for us to get settled in our new apartment.

Whenever my baby decides she is ready to go out, I just pray that my delivery will go as fast, (almost) painless and smooth as it did with Jamaine.

Two more weeks. Just two more weeks.

Jamaine has just learned how to say “Mommy” loudly and clearly.

Each time she says it, it sends a wave of pride over me that almost makes me cry.

This is definitely one of those moments when it feels so amazing to be a mother.

I remember those days when she was just a little bundle of joy who couldn’t even see and recognize me. I would wonder then if she felt how much I loved her, my own little miracle.

Now, every time she says “Mommy,” she smiles and looks at me. She knows me. She loves me. She makes me feel like I’m the best mom ever.

I remember those sleepless nights and exhausting days. I recall those moments when, even as I held her, I felt so depressed and alone.

Motherhood has proved to be far greater and more fulfilling than all of my struggles. Every time I hold Jamaine and hear her laughter, my happiness makes me soar to the top of the world.

Whenever I look at her, I feel so grateful and blessed that I was able to bear a child. And now Kalia’s arrival will double the blessing.

I wondered then if I was ready to be a mother.

And now, I know I am.

If I could sleep comfortably like this panda even just for a night, that would surely be a treat.

Sleeping has become such a luxury for me for the past months because my aching back still won’t quit. Since my tummy’s getting bigger, I can only lie on my side since lying on my back would aggravate my back pains. The thing is, I can’t sleep just lying on one side all through the night so I have to shift to the other side every now and then. And that could be really, really painful for me that’s why I have to move really, really, really slow every time.

My hubby has bought a bigger bed for us to replace our old springy bed. The mattress label says it’s supposed to be “orthopedic” and it promises to provide “incomparable support for your back and body.” But with the way I’ve been (not) sleeping, it feels like it’s not helping at all.

I heard memory foam mattresses are good because they conform to the shape of the body. According to Wikipedia, memory foams were invented by NASA to decrease the pressure during take-offs. Although, they did not actually use it, the technology was adapted for mattresses specially for bedridden patients. The memory foam mattress is supposed to be pressure and heat sensitive so it will follow the shape of your body whatever way you lie down. I would surely love to try that one if it didn’t cost almost 700 dollars a pop.

Good thing, my darling hubby has been a willing back massager. He’s been constantly reassuring me that I only need to wait a month more and Kalia will be out soon.

One more month means just 30 more “achy-breaky back” nights. So help me.

Photo credit

Awhile ago, Jamaine and I were watching TV. She was sitting on the floor while I was starting to doze off on the bed.

Perhaps feeling a bit sleepy herself, she climbed on the bed and sat next to me.

Just then, a commercial came on for a milk product endorsed by four celebrity moms. It had a touching theme song and and an MTV of the moms sharing moments of love with their kids.

Through my sleepy half-closed lids, I could see Jamaine was intently watching the commercial. Oftentimes, she is fascinated with watching babies on TV.

Just as the song was about to end, my angel Jamaine surprised me: she stood on the bed, leaned over my head and planted a big, wet kiss on my cheek.

Then she grinned her gap toothed grin spanning from ear to ear. I could almost imagine us in our own commercial.

It was our very own moment of love.

It was one of those moments that make me feel so blessed to be a mother.

I love my baby and I know she loves me.