The kids are asleep so hubby and I finally have some geeky time. That’s the time when both of us sit on the bed with our laptops and do our thing whether it’s extra work (ack!), surfing the net or blogging.

We do love to hang out and watch movies a lot but when we have some down time at home, we’re pretty much attached to our laptops. We both wear glasses so we call ourselves the geeky couple. Among other things we’ve called our dynamic duo, it’s a name we adopted about something and something years ago.

I’ve been wearing glasses since I was in highschool, he’s been wearing glasses since gradeschool. He liked watching TV when he was a kid. I liked reading books close to my nose while lying down on the bed. Not to mention both my parents have less than perfect vision.

I used to think wearing glasses was cool. I remember some of my schoolmates would wear glasses with ordinary lens just for porma. We all thought wearing glasses, at least stylish and thin framed ones, made us look smart.

But when I got older, it felt more like a hassle to have to bring it out whenever I have to read something. I chose not to wear one anymore even if it meant I’d have to squint  and squint.  It didn’t help that someone once told me I looked like a lola with my glasses on. And these were not cheap prescription glasses, they were an expensive pair that I carefully picked from the optical boutique. Definitely uncool. So off to the drawer my glasses went.

Now that I work online, I have no other choice but to wear glasses again. It’s literally a pain in the neck if I don’t and I read much slower with my naked slightly blurred eyes.

Good thing hubby also wears one so I’m no longer just a lola, I have my lolo with me. (A good-looking and smart one at that.)

I imagine we’d still be like this when we’re wrinkled and gray. With our granny glasses on and our laptops on our bed, we’d be drinking milk and cookies while surfing the internet.

I was supposed to type a blog entry last night when Kernan nudged me from the other side of the bed,

“Can you check this proposal for me?”

I had just put Jamaine to sleep and I was aching for some “me time” which meant either blogging, journaling or reading. I’ve been at work the whole day and I consider my “me time” my chance to unwind.

Checking Kernie’s proposal would take me a whole two hours, after which I know I’ll feel tired and just go to sleep. This means “me time” will just become sleep time.

Do I have to do this now? I thought to myself. The selfish brat was sticking out its head.

Then as if on cue, a friend’s words rung in my head,

If there’s one piece of marriage advice I could give you, it’s to remember this: ‘Honey, if it’s important to you, it’s important to me.’

I knew that that proposal was important to him and his career.

Spending time for myself was important too but I realized that making his needs my priority mattered more to me. Besides, I I knew I would accomplish more good if I helped him with his proposal than posting a new blog.

Your needs or mine?

Although looking after our needs is important, sometimes we have to put other people’s needs before our own because it’s one way of showing how much we value them.

We just have to strike a good balance between doing things for others and doing things for ourselves.

But one thing I learned in our relationship is to lose count of what we do for each other.

Sometimes (maybe, even oftentimes) we have a tendency to keep tabs on things just to keep it fair. I’m thinking it must be from that deeply ingrained instinct to always “look out for number one.”

I realized though that when you love someone, you just give freely and openly. It doesn’t really matter so much whose turn it is this time, just give.

Besides, I found that generosity begets generosity.

Oftentimes, you’ll find yourself at the receiving end too.

I finished checking Kernie’s proposal in less than two hours and I handed the file to him. I was feeling too tired to blog so I wrote in my journal instead.

“Thanks mahal. I love you,” he said.

And those five words were enough for me.

One night, Kernan and I were about to have dinner when I found him holding up the two plates of hot rice in front of the aircon.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Cooling off the rice, it’s too hot. I like my rice a bit cold.”

“But I like my rice hot.”

“Okay, do you want me to reheat it for you in the microwave?”

“Oh, never mind.”

I love warm meals so I couldn’t quite understand then why Kernan preferred his a bit cold. He should eat his meals while they’re still warm because that’s the way it should be, shouldn’t it?

During our first months together, a lot of people would ask me how Kernan and I got along.

“You’re such opposites.” People would tell us.

He was pretty confident and he had a certain bravado in his stride.
I was mostly shy and really quiet.

He could be very aggressive and his temper could fire up a bit quick.
I was a bit passive and patient most of the time.

He looked like a bad boy.
I looked like a good girl.

We seemed like the most imperfect match.

After six years of being together, my answer then remains the same now: our differences helped us to stay together.

I admit there was a time when I wanted to change him into the man I thought he should be. I guess all women lean toward that tendency at one point or another. You want your man to be more like your dad, your brother or this ideal man you fantasized about your in mind.

But I realized that truly loving someone meant respecting and accepting each other’s differences.

Over the years, I’ve seen more and more differences that Kernan and I had:

He likes to unwind at night watching movies, I like quiet nights writing in my journal.
He likes eating while watching the TV, I like eating on the table while having a good conversation.
He likes short no nonsense showers, I like long slow baths.
He likes walking around the house barefoot, I like wearing slippers.
He likes an uncluttered bedroom, I like having some of my stuff lying around.
He firmly stands by his faith, I prefer to explore other religions.

I used to want him to do things my way and he would want me to do things his way. We would go on until one of us would give in.

It took us some time to learn that if we wanted to have peace of mind and a harmonious relationship, we had to know that it was okay to be different.

It was okay to disagree on small things as long as we agreed on more important things like personal values and life principles.

Of course, accepting and respecting each other’s differences doesn’t mean condoning each other’s bad habits and destructive attitudes.

But it does mean gently pointing out what can be changed and patiently waiting for your partner to do it.

I always keep in mind that we both went through experiences that influenced us and molded us into who we are now. And as much as I cannot change myself overnight, neither can my hubby.

From another perspective, I think our differences make our relationship more interesting. When we allow ourselves to explore the other’s way, we get to step out of our comfort zones and experience new things.

Sometimes, I let him cool my rice and when I smother it with hot soup or gravy, I find that it actually tastes okay. Sometimes, he’d take long baths with like me in the shower and he actually likes using my scrub and liquid soap.

Come to think of it, if my husband was so much like me, our life together must have been so boring!

In the bigger scheme of our relationship, our little opposites, whether endearing or annoying, don’t really matter.

In the end, the most important thing is that one great thing that we have in common: our true love for each other.

Hubby packed his shirt, towels, ipod and gloves in his bag. He was getting ready to go to the gym.

As he took off his shirt to change into his gym clothes, he pinched the flesh on his belly and said, “I’m fat.”

“No you’re not, you’re just a bit chubby.”

He threw in his fat burner caps in the bag (he quit on diet pills after I did) and zipped it close. “I’ve been taking this fat burners and I’m still fat.” He sounded almost frustrated. “Do you still love me even if I’m fat?”

“Of course, I love you.”

I reminded him how much chubbier he was when we first met and how much I loved every bit of him then. His fitness level has gone several notches up ever since because he’s been very active at the gym. And I must say he’s much healthier now than he was five years ago.

I guess hubbies just have this random bouts of vanity every now and then, especially when they become fathers.

He put on that familiar expression, one that was half-smile, half-unbelieving.

“Mahal, I love you. And no matter how chubby or how thin you get, you will always be a sexy man to me.”

He leaned over me and gave me a kiss. And this time, his expression showed he knew that I meant every word I said.

Sometimes, a few assuring words is enough to show your love and to boost another’s self-esteem.

It started with a series of text messages sent in the wee hours of the morning.

I would hear his cellphone’s beep and somehow I felt that there was something not quite right about it.

I would say a woman’s gut feeling is one of her most precious gifts. It is what helped me discover what was wrong.

For a time, I kept quiet about what I felt. She could be just a friend. I tried to justify to myself. Don’t be such a little jealous girl. I warned myself. But why did I have such a nagging feeling about the whole thing?

Finally, I decided to ask. There was no point in killing myself over my own thoughts. Didn’t we say we will be open to each other about our problems? All I needed to do was ask so I would find out the truth.

But I did not.

He lied.

I did my own research and I knew she was not who he said she was. I knew then something was wrong because if there wasn’t it would have been so easy to just say the truth.

I also knew that if I wanted to resolve it I had to be honest with him about what I felt.

We had a heart to heart talk that night.

He said she was just a girl he worked with. She knew he was married but she continued to send him messages anyway. She would invite him to gimmicks and night outs. Sometimes she called him, other times he called her.

I tried to make sense of what I was hearing. I wanted the truth and now I had to bear it.

“Why?” I asked him.

I needed to know why he was allowing this to happen. Maybe I would understand it better from his point of view.

He admitted he was flattered by the attention from another girl. He felt a certain thrill from getting such messages from a woman other than me. For him, it was some form of validation. Something I had been neglecting to give him for quite some time.

I recognized I was at fault too. Ever since the baby came, it was always about the baby. I forgot that I had a husband who needed my love and attention too.

But admitting I was at fault didn’t make what he was doing right.

Maybe they were indeed just friends. But where would that friendship lead? I asked him.

I know his female friends. And I know how to distinguish the difference between a real friendship and a flirting relationship.

As I always say, if you don’t want to get burned, don’t play with fire.

It’s a known fact that married men give that “thrill of the chase” for single women. So why even go near that line?

“We’re really just friends,” he said.

And I believed him.

But I also told him that I wasn’t comfortable about their friendship.

He said, I mattered more to him and he would stop communicating with her.

But he didn’t.

I guess, when something makes you feel good, it becomes hard to stop.

The trust I had for him was slowly crumbling down.

I realized that this was a problem that needed to be worked out over time, by both of us. It wasn’t just his problem to deal with, it was a trial we both had to go through.

Each time I discovered that she was still around, I made it a point to let him know that I knew and I wasn’t happy about it.

I was hurt but I did not let my pain or my pride destroy us.

I love my husband and I knew that it is at his moment of weakness that he needs me the most.

I took us three more heart to heart talks before we finally resolved the problem.

I told him, he needed to stop telling me that he was going to stop, he needed to just do it.

And finally, he did.

But the trust between us wasn’t built right away. I told him that I already gave him my trust and he broke it.

This time, trust was not something I can give, it was something he had to earn.

And earn it, he did.

How do you deal with a broken trust?

You rebuild it no matter how painstaking it becomes. You assure each other not just with words but, more importantly, with actions.

You start over with clean slates. Past hurts and sins no longer exist.

You just keep on loving each other.

My friends told me I was too understanding. What assurance did I have that it won’t happen again?

I told them, I just knew.

Getting married changed my perspective about commitment and relationships.

Before, things were handled carelessly and impulsively. The easiest way out of a problem was just to break up.

But marriage changed all that.

When both of us committed to love each other for the rest of our lives, it meant standing by each other no matter what difficulties come our way.

It didn’t matter who was wrong or who was right, what mattered was how we were going to solve it together.

When we said we would accept and respect each other for all that we are, it meant that we recognize both our imperfections.

We were both humans who can fall into weakness and make mistakes. And when we did make mistakes, we help each other stand up and move on.

It’s easier said than done I know, but love strengthens you to do even the hardest things.

Love empowers you to set your pride and insecurities aside. It allows you to see the bigger picture despite your pain.

Love helps you to grow bigger than your trials.

Love helps you understand.

In the end, love helps you to forgive.

After the darkness has gone and the pain has faded away, both of us became wiser, our commitment became stronger and our love grew deeper than ever.

And that’s all that matters.

Kernan left for China last Friday for a special project and he won’t be back until Tuesday. I’ve been missing him a whole lot and wish I could pull the days faster.

Since roaming charges can pack a ton, we just communicate through text which makes me miss him even more.

The last time we were away from each other was when he went to Vietnam last year. Since I was quite busy with work and wedding preparations then, my attention was quite divided.

But since I’ve switched jobs (story in another post) and I have no major events upcoming, I have weekends all to myself and it makes me feel his absence more.

We’ve been staying at my mom’s house since Friday and we’ll probably stay here until Kernan arrives two days from now. Just two more sleepless nights.

I’m really terrible at missing people especially when it comes to my hubby and that explains why I will never agree to any of us working abroad for long periods of time. I’m setting a five-day maximum limit and that’s about it. Better if it’s less, a definite no-no if it’s more.

What comforts me now is looking through a whole folder of our pictures in my laptop. The picture above is one of our favorites from the pre-nup pictorial we had last November.

It doesn’t help that mushy love songs are messing with my head.

“I miss you like crazy…”

“When I turn out all the lights, even the night…it only reminds of you.”

Come home soon, Mahal.

When you know that you know who you love, you can’t deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don’t buy it.
When it’s clear this time you’ve found the one, you’ll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there’s no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn’t any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love’s around you like the sky ’round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

* From the soundtrack of Serendipity by Shawn Colvin

One year ago, Kernan and I were wed in simple and wonderful civil rites in Binan, Laguna.

The other day, we celebrated 5 years and 4 months of our relationship and 1 year as husband and wife.

He often asks if we could just pick one date to celebrate: either our official date in June 10 (2002), our civil wedding in October 10 (2006) or our church wedding in December 15 (2007). What is it with guys and remembering dates anyway?

It might seem quite hard to take note of all dates, but I refuse to disregard any of them since I think all dates are important milestones in our lives and ought to be celebrated.

We both had work yesterday so we agreed on going to Greenhills in the evening. After all these years, we’ve been used to having simple celebrations on our monthsary and anniversary dates because oftentimes they coincide with work. Sometimes we don’t get to celebrate them on the date at all.

Anyway, we opted to celebrate our first wedding anniversary with dinner at Cafe Ysabel. It was like reliving our “unofficial” first date 5 years ago.

Flashback to 2002

Kernan and I went to Cafe Ysabel for a shoot with the owner Chef Gene Gonzalez who was the host for our cooking segment.

You see, we were working together in a morning show and it was a purely professional relationship. Kernan was my segment producer and I was his researcher.

Chef Gene invited us for lunch before the shoot began. As the waiter arrived to take our order, Kernan and I requested for the same dish: Seafood Risotto. (Place “Ting!” sound effect here.)

That was just the first of a series of “coincidences” and “discoveries” that revealed we had a lot in common.

I wasn’t exactly on the lookout for a relationship then but let’s just say he couldn’t resist my natural charm.

Of course, he likes to tease me that it was I who was so smitten by him. But he knows it’s the other way around. (Besides, this is my blog and I’m the one who is writing this story. )

I can’t believe it’s been half a decade since. We never really thought we would go this far but we’re both thankful we have.

Even after 5 years, I would say our relationship always feels so “brand new.” We often tell each other that it only seems like yesterday when we got together, and then we pretend to act all surprised when we remind each other it’s actually been years.

We’ve been through a lot of wonderful times and some tough times too.

It’s really amazing what love can do.

We always tell each other that we’ll grow old together.

And I know we will.

Love lessons from a 1 year old marriage

I’ve been learning a lot from our relationship and I feel like I’m growing everyday.

Some people ask us how we stay so in love and I say, we just are.

Of course, we have our share of petty fights and some misunderstandings. The key is we learn our lessons and don’t commit the same mistakes again.

We also follow some relationship principles that I think help us a lot to nurture the relationship.

1. Respect each other’s differences.

Being together doesn’t automatically give you the license to change or mold your partner into someone you want him to be.

I’m optimistic and he is realistic and that’s okay. That gives us two perspectives in viewing any situation and we both learn from each other.

2. Give each other enough space.

I used to have this notion that Kernan and I should always be together so that our relationship would be stronger. So when he chose to be with other people instead of me, I’d feel that he’s tired of me or didn’t like to be with me anymore and thought our relationship is going down the drain.

But I realized that being away from each other sometimes can actually be good for our relationship. After all, we each had our own lives before we got together and being a couple doesn’t mean we should throw them away.

So I let him have his boys’ night out, he lets me have my girls’ day out. And when we meet at the end of the day, we can share our stories and adventures.

Besides, we get to miss each other and I think it feels nice to hear the words “I miss you.”

3. Be each other’s number one fan

Kernan always says “You’re beautiful!”

I always say “You’re my sexy man.”

4. Accept each other’s quirks and not-so-good habits.

He likes stuffing things in the closet so the space would look tidy and clean.

I like having my books lying around the room so I can always pick up something to read.

Sometimes I let him have his way, sometimes he lets me have mine.

When you really think about it, neither a full closet or a book-cluttered room is such a big deal so why fight about it?

5. Always have a mismatched fight.

When the other is seething with anger, douse him with a cool water temper.

I’ve tried and tested this method and I know it works.

This might be quite hard if your partner could be harsh with words. I know it could be tempting to fight back and to launch a shout fest. But being quiet and calm doesn’t mean being weak and inferior. It means you’re stronger and in control of anger.

When you don’t let anger bring out the worst in you, you see the situation in a much clearer perspective, you avoid hurling hurtful words that you can never, ever take back and you become more open to reconciling with each other.

Unlike in real contests, when you have a mismatched fight both of you win.

6. Be the best and greatest listener.

What do I mean by “best” and “greatest”?

It’s listening with your full and kind attention. Your mind doesn’t wander to what you’re going to say next or what you’re having for dinner or when this conversation will end.

It’s letting the other talk freely and without judgement. You don’t cut him off or finish his sentence.

It’s offering advice when he asks and keeping quiet when he doesn’t.

Being listened to, I think, is one of any human’s greatest needs And being able to listen wholeheartedly to another is one of the expressions of great love and compassion.

7. Don’t be each other’s stress ball.

It might seem natural and even become habitual to dump all the stresses of your day on your partner. After all, isn’t he supposed to listen to you?

But if it’s just petty stuff and you think you can handle it on your own, then spare your partner the hassle of carrying unnecessary stress. Better yet, let it go and rid yourself of the excess baggage.

It’s a cliche but many of us don’t actually put it to good use: Time is precious. Think about it, would you rather use your precious time making problems or making love?

8. Always greet each other with a smile.

When you wake up, before you part for work, when you get together after work, before you sleep…the moments are endless.

When I miss Kernan, I always retrieve from my mind the image of his wacky smile and it always makes me feel better.

9. Say what you want.

I’ve learned long ago that men are not mind readers. They shouldn’t be.

Isn’t it funny how when we want something, we expect our partner to know it automatically. When they can’t magically read our minds, we get angry and think they don’t love us enough.

But how are they supposed to know what we want if we don’t tell them?

When I want Kernan to drive me home, to take me out on a date, to help me take care of the baby, or to simply give me a hug, I just say it.

This eliminates the pressure on him to impossibly read my mind and the frustration for me when I don’t get what I want.

So if you want something, say it!

10. Say “thank you.”

Whether it’s for simply passing the ketchup or for throwing you an elaborate anniversary dinner, both small and huge acts of love deserve appreciation.

Appreciation is love.

11. Say “I love you.”

They say actions are louder than words. But I think actions coupled with words sound and feel better.

12. Love unconditionally.

***

I’m sure I’ll add more to this list through the years.

Any great relationship lessons? I’d love to hear them.

You are and you will always be the only man I love.