All Jayme
12 things I learned from 1 year of marriage

One year ago, Kernan and I were wed in simple and wonderful civil rites in Binan, Laguna.

The other day, we celebrated 5 years and 4 months of our relationship and 1 year as husband and wife.

He often asks if we could just pick one date to celebrate: either our official date in June 10 (2002), our civil wedding in October 10 (2006) or our church wedding in December 15 (2007). What is it with guys and remembering dates anyway?

It might seem quite hard to take note of all dates, but I refuse to disregard any of them since I think all dates are important milestones in our lives and ought to be celebrated.

We both had work yesterday so we agreed on going to Greenhills in the evening. After all these years, we’ve been used to having simple celebrations on our monthsary and anniversary dates because oftentimes they coincide with work. Sometimes we don’t get to celebrate them on the date at all.

Anyway, we opted to celebrate our first wedding anniversary with dinner at Cafe Ysabel. It was like reliving our “unofficial” first date 5 years ago.

Flashback to 2002

Kernan and I went to Cafe Ysabel for a shoot with the owner Chef Gene Gonzalez who was the host for our cooking segment.

You see, we were working together in a morning show and it was a purely professional relationship. Kernan was my segment producer and I was his researcher.

Chef Gene invited us for lunch before the shoot began. As the waiter arrived to take our order, Kernan and I requested for the same dish: Seafood Risotto. (Place “Ting!” sound effect here.)

That was just the first of a series of “coincidences” and “discoveries” that revealed we had a lot in common.

I wasn’t exactly on the lookout for a relationship then but let’s just say he couldn’t resist my natural charm.

Of course, he likes to tease me that it was I who was so smitten by him. But he knows it’s the other way around. (Besides, this is my blog and I’m the one who is writing this story. )

I can’t believe it’s been half a decade since. We never really thought we would go this far but we’re both thankful we have.

Even after 5 years, I would say our relationship always feels so “brand new.” We often tell each other that it only seems like yesterday when we got together, and then we pretend to act all surprised when we remind each other it’s actually been years.

We’ve been through a lot of wonderful times and some tough times too.

It’s really amazing what love can do.

We always tell each other that we’ll grow old together.

And I know we will.

Love lessons from a 1 year old marriage

I’ve been learning a lot from our relationship and I feel like I’m growing everyday.

Some people ask us how we stay so in love and I say, we just are.

Of course, we have our share of petty fights and some misunderstandings. The key is we learn our lessons and don’t commit the same mistakes again.

We also follow some relationship principles that I think help us a lot to nurture the relationship.

1. Respect each other’s differences.

Being together doesn’t automatically give you the license to change or mold your partner into someone you want him to be.

I’m optimistic and he is realistic and that’s okay. That gives us two perspectives in viewing any situation and we both learn from each other.

2. Give each other enough space.

I used to have this notion that Kernan and I should always be together so that our relationship would be stronger. So when he chose to be with other people instead of me, I’d feel that he’s tired of me or didn’t like to be with me anymore and thought our relationship is going down the drain.

But I realized that being away from each other sometimes can actually be good for our relationship. After all, we each had our own lives before we got together and being a couple doesn’t mean we should throw them away.

So I let him have his boys’ night out, he lets me have my girls’ day out. And when we meet at the end of the day, we can share our stories and adventures.

Besides, we get to miss each other and I think it feels nice to hear the words “I miss you.”

3. Be each other’s number one fan

Kernan always says “You’re beautiful!”

I always say “You’re my sexy man.”

4. Accept each other’s quirks and not-so-good habits.

He likes stuffing things in the closet so the space would look tidy and clean.

I like having my books lying around the room so I can always pick up something to read.

Sometimes I let him have his way, sometimes he lets me have mine.

When you really think about it, neither a full closet or a book-cluttered room is such a big deal so why fight about it?

5. Always have a mismatched fight.

When the other is seething with anger, douse him with a cool water temper.

I’ve tried and tested this method and I know it works.

This might be quite hard if your partner could be harsh with words. I know it could be tempting to fight back and to launch a shout fest. But being quiet and calm doesn’t mean being weak and inferior. It means you’re stronger and in control of anger.

When you don’t let anger bring out the worst in you, you see the situation in a much clearer perspective, you avoid hurling hurtful words that you can never, ever take back and you become more open to reconciling with each other.

Unlike in real contests, when you have a mismatched fight both of you win.

6. Be the best and greatest listener.

What do I mean by “best” and “greatest”?

It’s listening with your full and kind attention. Your mind doesn’t wander to what you’re going to say next or what you’re having for dinner or when this conversation will end.

It’s letting the other talk freely and without judgement. You don’t cut him off or finish his sentence.

It’s offering advice when he asks and keeping quiet when he doesn’t.

Being listened to, I think, is one of any human’s greatest needs And being able to listen wholeheartedly to another is one of the expressions of great love and compassion.

7. Don’t be each other’s stress ball.

It might seem natural and even become habitual to dump all the stresses of your day on your partner. After all, isn’t he supposed to listen to you?

But if it’s just petty stuff and you think you can handle it on your own, then spare your partner the hassle of carrying unnecessary stress. Better yet, let it go and rid yourself of the excess baggage.

It’s a cliche but many of us don’t actually put it to good use: Time is precious. Think about it, would you rather use your precious time making problems or making love?

8. Always greet each other with a smile.

When you wake up, before you part for work, when you get together after work, before you sleep…the moments are endless.

When I miss Kernan, I always retrieve from my mind the image of his wacky smile and it always makes me feel better.

9. Say what you want.

I’ve learned long ago that men are not mind readers. They shouldn’t be.

Isn’t it funny how when we want something, we expect our partner to know it automatically. When they can’t magically read our minds, we get angry and think they don’t love us enough.

But how are they supposed to know what we want if we don’t tell them?

When I want Kernan to drive me home, to take me out on a date, to help me take care of the baby, or to simply give me a hug, I just say it.

This eliminates the pressure on him to impossibly read my mind and the frustration for me when I don’t get what I want.

So if you want something, say it!

10. Say “thank you.”

Whether it’s for simply passing the ketchup or for throwing you an elaborate anniversary dinner, both small and huge acts of love deserve appreciation.

Appreciation is love.

11. Say “I love you.”

They say actions are louder than words. But I think actions coupled with words sound and feel better.

12. Love unconditionally.

***

I’m sure I’ll add more to this list through the years.

Any great relationship lessons? I’d love to hear them.

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